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Goodbye 2008…

So apparently it’s already 2009 and I missed the New Year. I didn’t know you see. Everyone at 3 had left a week ago on holiday and it was just me and the stationery, who of course knew it was the New Year and had some big New Year Eve do at another workspace. They didn’t tell me because my water had turned so murky they couldn’t see me. Owner had dissappeared just like the other humans at 3 and had forgotten to leave me enough food. And so I survived without food for two long weeks…

Yes, you heard it folks. Two long weeks. Somehow, through the bitterness, murkiness and extreme hunger, I miraculously survived.

I survived.

I survived to the new year 2009.

Here’s to another year of the same old crap.

****EFFECTIVE TOMORROW, BLUEY SCHELUWEE & CO. WILL BE MOVING TO IT’S NEW BLOG

PLEASE CHANGE YOUR BOOKMARKS, LINKS ACCORDINGLY. THANK YOU… ) *****

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Prison Break Part I

It was a dry cold day at 3.

I was swimming around minding my own business one afternoon when I heard a knock on the walls of my confinement space. It was the little eraser whom all the other stationery referred to as Rubba. He was blue and red in colour and moved around hobbling since a quarter of his body had wasted on erasing for the humans.

Rubba was calling me, trying to tell me something. I swam my way to the other end of my confinement space and Rubba looked at me excitedly.

“Hey fish, the other stationery were wondering whether you might be interested to join us in an escape plan. We’re going to out of here.”

I sighed as I looked at the intellectually challenged eraser. Did he not know that I was a FISH???!!? I had no means of escape unless someone released me into the sea or river. Other than that option, the only other possibility of me leaving my confinement space was if owner decided to flush me down the toilet or cook me for dinner. Did he not see that??? Did he not get it that there was a reason why I was living underwater?

Instead of my usual snapping and nasty response, I decided to humour myself.

“Nah, I kinda like it here. Say..Rubba..I have a question. Where are you guys planning to escape to?”

I watched in amusement as Rubba pondered in bewildered silence. He had obviously never thought about what would happen after the escape, where they would go, what they would do…

“Err…maybe we can look for a stationery warehouse, where ALL our kind are. I hear it’s fun times there.”

I smiled. My day was getting better by the minute.

“And if you do find, say, this warehouse, how do you propose getting there physically? You guys going to roll all the way to the warehouse with the risk of getting run over or stepped on by something/someone; or are you guys taking a bus or just hitchhiking with HUMANS all the way there??”

Rubba looked despondent…all the excitement he had displayed earlier on his rubbery face seemed to fade away from his expression.

“We’ll think of something, we’ll consult Torch. He’ll know what to do. He’ll tell us. He’ll help us!” Rubba hobbled away while muttering to himself, in deep thought.

So they were going to consult Torch. Torch was the flashlight at 3. Being the only one of his kind here, he was somewhat very bright and insightful and the other stationery looked to him for advice. I smirked to myself as I swam off to my favourite end of my confinement space, hoping that Torch would run out batteries by the time the stationery went to consult him…

Part II : The Torch speaks…

coming soon.

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What democracy? In my world, there’s no such thing as democracy. Caged, bored and dirty, that’s my world. if anything, it does NOT scream democracy. No freedom, no liberty.

Yes, please excuse me, I’m just babbling again. You’d be babbling too if you were a miserable little fish swimming around in filth.

But, what I really wanted to say is Guns N’ Roses, an awesome rock band has a new album out called Chinese Democracy and it would be nice if I could get hold of a copy and listen to that apt track titled Oh my God. It would help make my days here less miserable. I hear back in the day, they were quite the rock band and guns and roses have always been my two favourite things. A gun to shoot and a rose to lay down on the body of the one I would have shot if I had the chance to. Wait, I’m babbling again. I’m sorry, it’s not like I have an Appetite for Destruction all the time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to my aimless swimming and thinking more damning thoughts about my pathetic life.

Bluey ‘Slash’ Scheluwee signing off, people.

Note : This post is an entry for the All Malaysian Blogger’s Project CD giveaway on Guns N’ Roses new album, Chinese Democracy.

 

An angels smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passions a prison, you cant break free

Youre a loaded gun
Theres nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Chorus:
Shot through the heart
And youre to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boys dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye

(Why all the anger and angst??? Well, my confinement space is so dirty i can hardly see through it anymore, but it doesn’t really matter right?!)

Youre a loaded gun
Theres nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

ARggghh!!!!

What’s so funny?

I’ve been feeling so neglected lately. These humans at 3, all lately so caught up in their own selfish pursuits. They failed to clean my confinement space, and there were times Owner forgot to feed me and then she would remember and gleefully tell her human friend what she had done. And all the while she would laugh, as if not remembering to feed her pet was the most funniest thing in the world.

I mean, how funny could that be anyway? Was it funny if her parents forgot to feed her for a day? Or she wasn’t given food for a day? That wouldn’t be so funny anymore now, would it?

I’m so annoyed right now it hurts.

The day I met The Roach

T’was an ordinary day at 3 a few mornings ago when I heard a human scream from the cave of the Master. Immediately all the other humans were startled and disoriented. One human even got up in a panic from her seat and fled in terror, her face a nervous wreck. I wondered what was going on until I heard the stationery mentioning that the humans had spotted a roach in their midst, right smack in the Master’s cave. Apparently it was unheard of at 3 and this was the first time that they saw it.

As I was bemusedly wondering how a tiny creature could scare such a large human, Idiota explained to me that most humans were generally afraid of roaches. Funny or not, it was something that made them hyperventilate, and summoned forth caveman like instincts to grab the nearest makeshift weapon in the form of a rolled up newspaper or even a shoe and attempt to exterminate the roaches! The mere sight of creepy crawly legs and antennas of the common cockroach jetting out from dark corners and scampering across floors utterly freaked the humans out.

I was awed by this creature Roach. He managed to scare such huge humans merely with his presence. And so that night, I stayed awake, hoping that the warrior Roach would scurry my way so I could chat him up and find out more about this intriguing creature. Maybe I could take a few pointers from him on how to intimidate these humans.

It wasn’t until three days later that I felt a presence near my confinement space. I was almost drifting to sleep but I was immediately alert when I saw who it was. It was the warrior himself, shiny yet ugly, scowling yet cool, his antennas  glowing in the dim emergency light of 3.

“Heard you were looking for me, fish. What’s up?” His voice was a deep growl, he sounded unrefined.

“Err, yes yes, I’m so impressed that you have such an impact on the humans. I just wanted to  hear  about your people…” I gushed out in awe, my eyes growing wider as I noticed Roach nibbling on Owner’s sheet of papers.

“What’s there to tell, those pansies are afraid of my kind. They think we’re disgusting creatures. As IF!” He was rubbing his antenna on Owner’s mug now. I grinned bemusedly…I hope Owner washes that tomorrow before she makes her drink in it.

“Ya know fish, for every one of us you see, there are probably hundreds of us in the same place. The reason you don’t see many of us is that most of us are under something or the other…only a select few venture out at night to look for food for our families, colonies, groups…

You know, we’re the ultimate scavengers. We love walking about in poo or other disgusting solids and liquids. We spread roach dusts. We nibble on stuff, we trigger asthma attacks by leaving our dust on human stuff…we’ll chew paper, cloth, oils, bodily wastes, and any type of food or liquid product the humans leave behind. We even snack on the dead bodies of our fellow comrades. Nothing is off limits when it comes to us.

We live without rules. We have no limits. Call us evil even!

Our wives can lay up to 40 eggs at a time, laying up to 400 evil little ones in a lifetime. Their lifespan is a year long and we adult roaches can go for a month without food, and even up to an hour without oxygen. We can live off of virtually anything. Even the organic glue compound found on the back of stamps or the nourishment of dead skin flakes can sustain us for weeks.

IF THEY THINK THEY CAN KILL US, THEY’RE WRONG.

We’re difficult to kill. Not only do we run like Florence Griffith, our bodies are extremely well adapted to fend off damage. We can fly too man. And when we become drones, the humans are doubly afraid of us. Because our breathing system is made up of tubes on our bodies called trachea, we can continue to live even after our heads or limbs are chopped off – talk about walking zombies eh. My cousin Roafer, he was a headless roach for about a month till he was totally squished by a nasty human.

And the whole newspaper whacking thing, well humans think they can whack us flat but they’re wrong. Man, we can quickly scurry into wall corners and flatten our bodies to avoid yesterday’s news from descending on us.

We’re experts at staying hidden, we invade EVERYTHING. Forget about the nuclear war, even that can’t kill us. The real invasion is the roach invasion! We’re the silent plague….the resident evil..!!!!!” Roach ended his brag-a-thon with a smirk.

“So what’s a fish like you doing in a place like this?” he asked, with an obvious uninterested look on his face. My, he was really ugly and slightly creepy.

As I was about to answer the Roach, he scampered off, muttering something under his breath which sounded like later or something…and hurried away. Now what was THAT all about? He didn’t seem quite all there.

I swam back to my comfy zone and snuggled up to sleep. But I felt a chill up my spine, after all he had told me, The Roach was indeed as disgusting as the humans said he was. I wondered if he ate fish, I was sure he did.

But I must admit, that is one awesome dude!

It could have been worse…